Where Should
Mom or Dad Live?
by Dorie U. Sugay

Should Mom still live in her own home alone? Dad lives with you. Is it time to put Dad in a home? These are very tough question that tear the hearts of many and figuring out what to do can be painful, it can divide families.

According to Elinor Ginzler, AARP Senior Vice President for Livable Communities, “9 out of 10 older Americans want to be able to stay in their own homes.” The big question is – should they? Are they safe? What resources are available that will allow them to stay in their own home or stay with you?

If there has been a recent medical issue or if they have not had a check up and you have concerns– consult with the primary physician. You have to know what they will need, to figure out where they ought to live. The senior who only needs a caregiver four hours a day will not need the same resources as a senior who needs someone the whole time you are at work, for example.

If it is feasible, talk to your parent. Some will surprise you and tell you they think they need help. Most will not want to concern you or admit they need help because they are afraid you would put them in a home.

Next, figure out whether you or any other family member will be able to help. Do they know how to transfer your Mom from the bed to the chair without hurting her or herself, for example? If paid help,will they be able to afford worker’s compensation so you are not liable if they are hurt on the job? Honestly assess what resources are available and be realistic. Everyone who loves your Mom wants to help. Is it really a good idea for you to swing by after work, hurriedly grab the shopping list, spend an hour travelling to and from the store and getting the items, driving to your Dad’s, talk for ten minutes while you put the groceries away and take off? If you had a caregiver (that you pay), for example, they can do some of these tasks and you can just visit! Even if you did have the time, are you qualified? Can you really handle it? Are they comfortable having you assist with personal grooming, for example?

Make sure you identify physical AND emotional needs. Depression affects many seniors. Isolation can be very painful and have physical consequences. Just because Mom or Dad are still up and about does not mean they do not need help. I met with a family recently. The daughter thought Mom needed help but the son did not agree. I readresignation in the Mom’s body language so I asked probing questions. Mom had been withdrawn lately.

“Their dad got to retire and here I am, 85 years old and I am still working full-time as a homemaker and no one notices I am tired,” she said, wiping tears. If you really care, observe. Many seniors resist help because they don’t want a stranger in their house. Some of them fear that once they admit they need help, they will initiate a domino effect that will end them in a convalescent home.

Find out if your parent or parents have long term care insurance and what type of coverage they have. If they will need help from Medicare, make sure you have their Medicare card number before you call. If the family is willing to help, now is the time to talk about it. Financial fears also keep seniors from admitting they need help.

If you determine they can still stay at home or stay with you, what changes do you need to make to make sure Mom or Dad is safe at home? If their bedroom is upstairs, can you move them to the first floor? What changes do you need to make so they are safer in their bathroom? A client of ours with dementia liked to roam at night. His house was on top of a hill and from his bedroom he can go out to a small, unfenced area where he can sit and watch the stars. It was gorgeous but dangerous for him. The family was unconvinced that there was danger.

“Dad’s knows he shouldn’t go down this side of the hill.” Within a few weeks they needed 24-hour care; their dad went down that hill and got hurt badly. If you are taking on the caregiver role, you need to identify trouble spots. If structural changes to the home are too expensive to implement, there are other alternatives!

There are many options for senior living arrangements now. Home health caregivers allow more seniors to stay in their own homes. There are yet other alternatives. Village Green in Gilroy is a wonderful alternative. A gated community, there are charming cottages for those who can still live on their own with little assistance; there are apartments; they have a memory care unit, and more. Eileen Yurek will take good care of you. Among her staff are a nurse and an activity director who keeps residents entertained. Westmont Living of Morgan Hill is opening up in the spring. I have not seen their facility but it would be worth checking out! Facility caregivers have more than one client to assist. If you want one-on-one care for your parent so someone can take them shopping, do exercises with them, be a companion, the assisted living facilities allow agency caregivers to come in and provide supplemental care. Then of course there are also smaller residential care homes that house about 4-6 residents. They usually have a small staff that can provide non-medical care, more intimate setting.

Figuring out the best living arrangement for your parent needn’t be a painful or overly stressful journey. You may have to resort to “tough love” if they resist help and it has become unsafe for them to be on their own. Do your homework, focus on their safety and their health, and move on it. Don’t delay. You can survive their wrath but they may not survive a bad fall. They made hard choices to protect you when you were a child, you may have to make a hard choice to now protect them or help them improve their lives! There is help out there. The Council on Aging is a great resource. The private duty agency you are considering, the director at the facility you are checking out, they are resources for you too. You are not alone. Let’s keep our seniors safer, healthier and happier!

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purpose only and is meant to be a basic guideline. To ensure that the best living arrangement is chosen, families need to conduct their own inquiry and research. Comments about facilities mentioned here are the opinion of the author and are not from Visiting Angels or the magazine.

~Dorie Sugay is the Executive Director of Visiting Angels, providing living assistance services to the Santa Clara and San Benito Counties. You can reach her at dorie@visitingangels.com.